Rather than seeing surrender like a soldiers’ defeat; see surrender as a wife does to a groom on their wedding day.

Reflect and you will find that clarity is attainable through self discovery. Below is an excerpt of facing the harsh reality of my role in a relation; fighting with ego and pride, but visiting within my self and a corner to find true direction. Which it’s through this moment that the above enlightenment was discerned.

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More often than not I live day to day with guilt that has no specific origin, but that of really many. On one hand I am a beautiful, romantic, fun loving, charismatic, compassionate being who desires the best in humanity and believes we are capable of just that of such. While on the other hand dismay, abuse, aggression, rage, hurt, vile, forgotten, and incapable of being truly loved swirls through my soul; and its hard to allow myself to truly be loved fully. Finally when I do find someone, not something and it has bloomed into a myriad of life and true understanding in the most blessed of appearance and breath…I revert to defensive countermeasures that push it away. In fear of being hurt. In fear of the past of either one of us encroaching upon to destroy and blithefully wash its existence from ever being.

Painfully these encroachments risk my every day life, and my capacity to be a better man. One worthy of such a companionship. So why is it that I treat ever so awfully the one who makes each moment tick and every beat flow with blood and life? It makes absolutely no sense for me to behave and retort the actions and words that can never be stricken, although they never had true merit or weight. Words are truly the most definite and painful weapon to exist. So why use them without leveled regard to scenario and most importantly the love I have sworn to protect. To cherish. To forgive. Most definitely desire to live a lifelong journey with. For better and for worse. Maybe this is my worse, and whatnot of excuse or regard this beautiful soul does not deserve such treatment. I love her, and I don’t even know how to manage that overwhelming love sometimes.

I’m scared for truly how much I care for her, and it’s terrifying that she could pass in a moment and be gone. Like all else in my life, there comes a point when it is too true to be real, and I always await the next storm or onset of loss. Could this be why I am acting out. Self Destructively seeking a prophecy of past’s reenactment? She doesn’t deserve such words of hurt or vehemence. She Is my angel, my love, my light when hell was present. And she took me and my whole self from such a pit and redefined my true character, and brought it to life. I love her beyond life and death. There is no measure. So why have I behaved the way I did.

Because I am hurt? Because I am jealous? I’ve never been jealous….so what would that look like? Because I can’t seem to mature enough past the images that run rampant in mind of her with others; is that jealousy or open mindedness to what commissions we’ve had taken place prior? Or do I fear of her enjoying herself potentially as she does with me, but however vividly so within my mind enacting with others isn’t fair… It’s not rightful room to judge because of my problems. But I should take them alternatively into a positive. Otherwise its purposeless and Its not healthy or fair. So how can I grow past that, and not take out on her what she’s had to endure before enjoying the what’s that I bring once getting past the fear of four seasons ending…? She loves me, and trusts me with her whole heart, and here I am treating her like **** and or ****. I know that this relationship wasn’t expected, as neither of us were looking. But I love her, and know that I can grow through life and get through and overcome any obstacle with her. That’s terrifyingly amazing, but it makes me feel vulnerable. To being hurt. TO losing her ever. A blow I am afraid to risk. But that is once again essentially unfair. For me to use tactic or risking to enjoy life, and taking my past, and judging when I have absolutely no reason to judge.

God knows I love her and am faithful to her completely. It’s necessary that I show her such in consistency. And address entirely the matters of my wrongs as well as communicate my concerns over hers. And I do accept responsibility for those in entirety, and I love her. No meal made, no chore completed, no special night compares, to what is of such needs to be done. I just have to assure and promise that the past is the past. I love her enough to work on my well-being and nurture the unfairness of my thoughts if its’ to be right and healthy for our relationship. Which it is.
I love you * * *, and I want to build our family bigger with you. Not make you a victim of my past relationship and take what didn’t work and assume you to follow suit. I must be my best for myself, my life and wife to be, and my children. And that means entirely by acting like the One by leading in example and most importantly be slow to anger, patient to learn, and kind to listen; to make for purpose in our love and design.

D.E.M. פנדה חוּלִיָה